How to become a prophet - for dummies.
This is a satirical manual lampooning prophet Muhammad (may pee-s be upon him) and to
a lesser extent Jesus and all other prophets.
Why become a prophet?
Here are some of the reasons why you might want to become a prophet.
- You may be a megalomaniac who wishes to dominate everyone and everything on earth and
would want everyone on earth to bow to you.
- You may wish to be worshiped after you die. What better way than to make people say your
name five times a day while bowing towards the city of your birth?
- You may be a pervert who wishes to:
- Order his adopted son's wife
divorced so that you can marry her. (This one makes me want to puke) Ref 1 Ref 2
- Want a child wife. A true prophet would rise above the vices of his time. But since you are going
to be a fraud this requirement doesn't apply to you.
- You may be homicidal maniac.
- By becoming a prophet you can become the lawmaker, lawgiver,
lawyer, judge, jury all in one, and all your followers will keep pouring gallons of whitewash
over you and all your actions. So you can indulge in your wildest fantasies without any fear
of being punished.
- You must be clever. The 'for dummies' in the title refers to the followers that you
are going to defraud. Only dummies can be followers and dummies can never be prophets.
- Thou shalt learn de cattle herding. Krishna - The Cow herd, Jesus - The Sheep herd, Muhammed - The Camel Herd, Moses - The Sheep herd, Pashupati/Shiva - Lord of cattle. Four
great world religions covering about 90% of mankind have been led by cattle herders. So there is a significant correlation between herding cattle and herding
people. People as a group are no better at thinking than cattle. So if you want to become a successful prophet learn cattle herding.
I would suggest you learn horse herding, as cows, sheep and camels are already done.
- Monotheism All successful prophets support monotheism alone. If you said there are many gods, other prophets may spring
up representing those gods, which we do not want. We want the entire world to worship you (er your god) competing prophets cant be
allowed. To avoid competing prophets the first step is to support the notion that there is one and only one god.
- Validate all previous prophets. People hate change. So we should change them without their being aware of it. If
you outright say that you are the latest and greatest prophet people will know they are changing and they will resist. But if you
say you have come to establish what previous prophets have already said, people will think they are not changing at the same
time switching to you. See how previous prophets have validated prophets previous to them:
- Jesus -> Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets; I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. (Matthew 5:17).
- Quran -> "The Messiah (Jesus), son of Mary, was no more than a Messenger before whom many Messengers have passed away; and his mother adhered wholly to truthfulness, and they both ate food (as other mortals do). See how We make Our signs clear to them; and see where they are turning away!" (Quran 5:75).
- Bahai -> The basic beliefs of the Bahai faith are that all the religions be they Islam, Christianity, Hinduism or even the barbaric tribes of Africa, all of them are from the same divine source. Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Solomon, David, Muhammed, Krishna, Buddha, etc. were all Prophets, the latest in the line being Baha'ullah.
- Call yourself the last prophet of all times Muhammad was the first to recognize that he could be shafted by some future prophet just as he was
shafting all previous prophets. To avoid that possibility he called himself the last prophet. But there is a loophole in that claim. He could be relabeled
the last prophet of that century or millennium. We don't want ANY future prophet to shaft you. So call yourself the last prophet of all times. By saying this you
are usurping the power of god to change his mind and send more prophets but people will never realize that you have usurped god's power
to send more prophets.
(to be continued)
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